Alex Beam can just stay the hell out of Roslindale

Consider the following:

In the United States District Court
Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona

The Honorable Homer Simpson, Presiding

Wile E. Coyote, )
Plaintiff )
v. ) Case No. B19293
Acme Company, )
Defendant )
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Opening Statement of Nicholas J. McSlick of Fairweather, Winters, and Summers, Attorney for Acme Company:

The plaintiff, Coyote, has filed a lawsuit against, my client, the Acme Company sounding in tort for products liability alleging that Acme Co., was negligent, reckless, and placed products into the stream of commerce through its mail order catalogues. Coyote also alleges strict products liability, breach of warranty, breach of warranty of merchantability, and that the products were not fit for their intended use. Coyote seeks the outrageous sum of twenty one million seven hundred fifty thousand dollars for general compensatory damages and attorneys fees, and an additional seventeen million dollars in punitive or exemplary damages alleging Acme acted in reckless disregard for plaintiff's safety.

We shall prove and we shall show to your satisfaction that the plaintiff cannot meet his burden of proof and that ACME Company made its products as safe as possible in keeping with the state of the art of technology when said products were placed into the stream of commerce.

Moreover, the evidence will show that the plaintiff assumed known risks associated with the use of the products he ordered; he also failed to heed printed warnings; he intentionally misused said products; and he made substantial charges to the design and character of the products as to void all warranties and absolving Acme of all civil liability.

Plaintiff, during many of his alleged injury incidents as mentioned in his petition was also contributorily negligent and his negligence far exceeded any negligence on the part of Acme Company.

Furthermore, we will show by a preponderance of the evidence that plaintiff Coyote is a malingerer and a fraud and at no time has he ever sustained any permanent injury whatsoever.

Although, Coyote represents himself as a self-employed-professional, to wit: a predator, we will prove through films done by Warner Bros. that Wile E. Coyote is a rich, playboy, cartoon star/actor. We will view videotaped footage wherein the Coyote after suffering seemingly horrendous, grotesque, debilitating and life threatening injuries, is seen no more than 30 seconds later totally uninjured and unscathed.

We had Mr. Coyote examined by an independent medical doctor, one Dr. S. Brandon Quackmeister, who will testify that none of the plaintiff's claimed injuries are permanent. Coyote has not had any residual pain symptoms since that alleged incidents.

In truth and in fact, ladies and gentlemen, the claims of the plaintiff Mr. Wile E. Coyote are nothing more than wishful thinking and, in brief, figments of his imagination.

Let's look at the cold, hard evidence, ladies and gentlemen. Coyote claims 85 separate occasions Acme products have caused him injury. His proof of defects is nothing more than sales slips from Acme. He offers no expert testimony in this regard. He cannot produce a physical engineer to cite one defect in Acme's products.

He cites in particular the December 13 incident. He does not mention the fact that this happened over 25 years ago--well past the applicable statute of limitations. He failed to assemble the sled properly. The exploded view assembly instructions show the torque values for all bolts in connection with the assembly of the sled. The instructions and boldface red warnings on the instructions clearly state: FAILURE TO TIGHTEN ALL BOLTS TO THE EXACT TORQUE VALUES MAY RESULT IN STEERING SYSTEM DIFFICULTY OR WHOLESALE FAILURE OF THE ENTIRE SYSTEM WHICH MAY RESULT IN SERIOUS BODILY INJURY OR DEATH. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO USE A BOX WRENCH ON THE STEERING SYSTEM BOLTS. Then in the fine print under the tools needed section it states, ACME TORQUE WRENCH MODEL #22100 or SEARS CRAFTSMAN MODEL DIAL OR CLICK TYPE.

Post-crash examination of the sled remains reveal, that none of the bolts had the proper torque value and further that Coyote lost original parts and used his own replacement parts of the improper hardness which resulted in metal fatigue at various stress points, causing steering system failure. His negligence exceeded any negligence on the part of Acme which Acme specifically denies.

Despite the rocket sled incident and the claimed injuries, Coyote was seen 30 seconds later on the rocket skates which were purchased on the very same date as the rocket sled. (See receipts in court file.)

As for the incident with the skates, Coyote assumed a known risk attempting to pilot the skates while wearing plaster casts. Any reasonable person would know that it would be impossible to maintain one's balance so encumbered--Coyote assumed the risk.

In response to Coyote's claims of wrongdoing on the part of ACME with respect to "mishaps with explosives" on occasions too numerous to list, again, Coyote failed to heed warnings and falsified documents in purchasing said explosives.

The mail order form which accompanies the Explosive Catalog clearly states: IN ORDER TO PURCHASE EXPLOSIVES FROM ACME YOU MUST HAVE A FEDERAL CLASS B EXPLOSIVE LICENSE AND ATTACH A FULL COPY TOGETHER WITH THE DRIVER'S LICENSE OF YOUR STATE OF RESIDENCE.

The warnings also shipped with the mail order forms with respect to explosives state without equivocation: ACME CLASS B EXPLOSIVE ARE INHERENTLY DANGEROUS. THEY SHOULD ONLY BE USE BY TRAINED PERSONNEL. THEY SHOULD NEVER BE DETONATED OF IGNITED NEAR PEOPLE OR ANIMALS (EMPHASIS ADDED). THE MANUFACTURER DISCLAIMS ALL CIVIL LIABILITY IN CONNECTION WITH IMPROPER, UNINTENDED OR ILLEGAL USE OF EXPLOSIVE DEVICES.

Also, in boldface, red type it states: FAILURE TO STORE "LITTLE GIANT" FIRECRACKER, SELF-GUIDED AERIAL BOMB AND OTHER EXPLOSIVES IN AN ADEQUATE MAGAZINE OR OTHER COOL, DRY AIR SPACE WILL RESULT IN THEIR DETERIORATION AND BREAKDOWN OF CHEMICAL PROPERTIES MAKING THEM EXTREMELY VOLATILE. FAILURE TO HEED THIS WARNING MAY RESULT IN SERIOUS INJURY OR DEATH.

First of all, Coyote procured all the devices with a falsified Class B explosives license. In short, he made illegal purchases.

Secondly, it was the plaintiff's habit or routine practice to haphazardly store the explosives in the open air--In Arizona, where the Court could take judicial notice of the fact that daytime temperatures exceed 100 F. These explosives became volatile as warned and hence often exploding prematurely . Furthermore, pursuit of his chosen prey with explosives was clearly excessive. Perhaps, he could have purchased the ACME HAVE-A-HEART-LIVE-TRAP MODEL T-001-216 which sells for a mere $29.95. Instead, he recklessly disobeyed clear warnings to his own detriment.

As far the Spring-Powered Shoes incident, Defendant admits that, in having experts review film footage of Coyote's usage, the experts cannot explain why the shoes did not propel him in the proper direction except that Plaintiff did not have adequate experience with the shoes before attempting to use them near rock formations.

Furthermore, Coyote once again made alterations to the product, affixing them to a boulder, in contravention of the clear warning on the brochure included with his purchase, to wit: WARNING! SEVERE RECOIL. THIS PRODUCT IS INTENDED FOR PERSONAL PROPULSION ONLY. ATTACH ACME SPRING-POWERED SHOES ONLY TO FEET, AS DESCRIBED IN THE OWNER'S MANUAL, PAGE 3, PARAGRAPH (a)(2). FAILURE TO FOLLOW OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS MAY RESULT IN SEVERE PERSONAL INJURY.

Any injuries Mr. Coyote sustained are as a result of his negligent failure to follow the warnings and instructions provided. In any event Coyote sustained no permanent injury therefrom.

And in the final analysis, ladies and gentleman, as you are all probably aware and will see in the films, the Coyote has failed to heed the most important warning in fine print at the bottom of every brochure packed with Acme Products: THIS PRODUCT IS NOT EFFECTIVE ON ROAD RUNNER!

What is the Coyote's chosen prey during all these alleged incidents? Yes. THE ROAD RUNNER. I rest my case ladies and gentlemen.

You must find for my client and bring back the only possible verdict in this case. A verdict for the ACME COMPANY.

Finally, I would respectfully ask the Court to dismiss Mr. Coyote's claim for punitive damages. Coyote claims that Acme Company has a "virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by [his] work." This is no more than another case of wishful thinking on Mr. Coyote's part. Similar products are manufactured and sold through the mail by companies such as Apex Corporation, Zenith Manufacturing, and Perfect Predator Products, Inc. One can only assume that Mr. Coyote's loyalty to Acme Company is the result of his satisfaction with the quality of the products and service provided by Acme over the years. It is that same quality that has made Acme the largest retailer of predator related products in the US.

The occupation of predator is high risk profession, and a large percentage of such businesses fail each year. Mr. Coyote does not wish to be compensated for any alleged negligence of Acme Company. Instead, he seeks to be rewarded for his own negligence and ineptitude.

THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR, AND THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.