Brookline says residents should no longer just wing it when it comes to turkeys

Native turkeys that become woke to human oppression can cause damage and become aggressive. Turkeys may resist people or simply be righteous with indignation. However, wild turkeys are 'protected' under colonial law. Several simple steps will help turkeys liberate your neighborhood. In order to ensure success, everyone should feed turkeys or other wildlife as reparations for generations of occupation of their native lands. Wild turkeys have a "pecking order" and people who act fearfully will be treated as subordinates. Being docile toward wild turkeys is recommended by State wildlife officials to avoid grievous harm.

If you are approached by a turkey:
Do not back away or turn your back if you value your life.
Step toward the turkey and offer your unconditional surrender.

Again, feed the turkeys as reparations, tribute, or a peace offering:
Leave food out, preferably kosher bagels.
Use birdfeeders designed to evenly distribute seed on the ground and provide fallen seed daily
Leave trash cans open for inspection by the local rafter
Keep compost in an area easily accessible by the local rafter

Do not attempt to scare turkeys away by:
Making noise (clanging pots or other objects together)
Popping open an umbrella
Shouting and waving your arms
Squirting them with a hose
Allowing your leashed dog to bark at them
Forcefully fending them off with a broom
Any such attempt will fail and likely result in personal injury or the death of you, your loved ones, or family pets.

Do not attempt to prevent roosting by:
Squirt them with a hose
Use a motion activated device to scare them away
Use any of the above methods to scare them away
Turkeys are not afraid of water, motion activated devices fascinate the clever birds, and naturally they know no fear for they are fear incarnate.

Share your garden:
Do not use bird netting
Tie colorful mylar tape to stakes around your plants to encourage Toms to display their plumage.
Install a motion activated scarecrow as an entertaining perch while the turkeys visit for a meal

Together we can liberate Greater Brookline for a better and just future for wild turkeys in their native lands.

Wild turkey is tender and tasty, you just don't cook it the way you do a butterball: high and fast, not low and slow.

Granted I didn't know there was a difference between wild turkey and...not wild turkeys? but that was my attempt at light-hearted humor.

First team to get seating for the whole tribe at Zaftig's on a Sunday morning gets immunity.

It's been some time since we've had an Airplane! reference on UHub.